�♪♪
So, what have we got?
Well, what we know is it's a woman, americana.
Una gringa.
Sl, senor.
I caught her outside the church.
We have the weapon.
Oh, good.
We have a man in the hospital.
El pobre. Poor guy.
And you have her back here?
Yeah.
Here she is.
Senora crawford.
The name is alston. Martha alston.
Cigarette?
I don't smoke.
You wanna tell us about it?
Uh, miss alston,
How does a woman like you wind up doing someth ing like th is?
I don't know.
All i know is i was 31 and still single.
Uh-Huh. Go on.
And my sister was 25 and getting married.
� come with me ♪
It was a beautiful wedding. Really.
I was really happy for her, and i was havin' a great time.
� to the sea ♪
That is, until all the pressure started.
Well, i guess it won't be long
Before we're shopping for baby clothes.
Mom, they just got married.
And you'll be next.
Gee, mom, did you just find out you had a year to live or someth in'?
Come on, jan. Give the kid a break.
She's got a lot going on in her life.
She's bright, she's beautiful,
She's got a great job, and we're very proud of her.
- Thanks, dad. - Sure, honey.
So are you seeing anyone?
All right.
Cheers.
Look at ann ie.
The one on the end is kinda cute.
He looks like jerry.
The one that cried the first time you made love.
That was great.
Then i found out he cried every time.
You know, men should be requ ired by law
To admit what's wrong with them on the first date.
Yeah.
Don't worry, martha.
You'll be the next one.
Okay, aunt belinda. Thank you.
Oh.
She's drunk.
That is my 37th "don't-Worry-You'll-Be-Next" ton ight.
What is all th is about pressuring single people to get married?
I was married, and believe me, marriage is its own living hell.
Look at them.
They're so happy and in love.
� the sea of love ♪
� i want to tell you ♪
That is beautiful.
Yeah.
I give it a year.
� just how much i love you ♪
Come on.
One day we'll have that.
You honestly believe that?
I do. I really do.
On my good days.
� i want to tell you ♪
And if it doesn't happen, so what, you know?
I mean, i have a great life. I'll be fine.
I'm gonna stop looking, 'cause that's when it happens anyway,
When you're not looking.
Yeah.
We should just kick back and let it happen,
If it's supposed to.
As a matter of fact, let's forget the word "marriage" even exists.
Good idea.
At a wedding, forget the word "marriage."
�♪♪
She's about to throw the bouquet!
Oh!
Hurry! Qu ickly!
We gotta catch it!
Okay, so i didn't catch the bouquet,
And i didn't really care.
I didn't, until it was valentine's day,
The lamest day on a single girl's calendar.
I worked on one of those early-Morn ing shows.
You know, the whole point is, they've had their caffeine
But ya haven't had yours.
Anyway, that was the day that it happened.
That was the day i met h im.
I've said it before. I'll say it again.
Regis and kath ie lee, look out.
E-Flat in ten seconds.
Okay.
We got six seconds left.
Yeah, you're a man who counts, marty.
H i, san diego!
Good morn ing, everyone.
We've got qu ite a love day show for you.
One of your favorite celebrity couples,
Mr. And mrs. Casey kasem will be renewing their vows live...
Going good.
As always, dick's hair plugs are mesmerizing.
Girl, leave h im alone.
Lunch?
Yeah.
Hey, missy, would you get sam tony from perpetual artists
On the phone for me, please?
Just as soon as i put these fabulous roses in some water.
They're from my fiance.
Do you want me to put some in your office?
I'm sure my fiance wouldn't mind.
No, that's okay.
That's...you know, i'll just call mr. Tony myself.
Super.
Yeah, that'll give you a chance to put those fabulous flowers
In the vase, the ones from your fiance.
Okay.
There's no need to yell.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay.
� forever, my darling ♪
� our love will be true ♪
May i present mrs. Casey kasem.
Isn't she beautiful?
� my love with you ♪
Yeah.
Okay.
Could you just leave a message for mr. Tony, then?
It's about the mayberry, r.F.D retrospective.
We have gomer, but we still need goober.
Yeah. Okay. Bye-Bye.
- Hey. - H i.
I got everyth ing from the video library for th is, uh,
Tribute to famous wh ite house pets.
There's some great footage of h illary giving socks the cat a bath.
Oh, thanks, walter. That'll be a big help.
And one more th ing.
For you.
Aren't you sweet?
Where'd you get that, missy's desk?
Happy valentine's day.
Oh, thanks.
You look great today.
- You say that every day. - Well, someone should.
Oh, you're sweet.
Sweet boy.
Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet.
Come on.
You know, there is a time for a hug to end.
Ya hug and then ya break.
Come on, walter. You do th is every week.
But i don't do th is.
Oh, don't get on your knees.
Please get up. Up.
I'm already down here.
Just run with me for a second here.
Look, it's valentine's day.
Neither one of us has a very special person
To spend valentine's day with.
I th ink that means someth ing.
Hmm. Right, i agree.
No, i th ink it means that it's a coincidence,
And besides that, i have a blind date.
Please get up, walter.
Martha. Guess what.
You're the most wonderful woman that i've ever known.
Now that i have found you, i'm not going to let you get away that easily.
I'd like you to know that.
I'd like you to know that people are now pulling up chairs.
Okay.
Can you sit down, please?
Yeah, he's on h is knees.
Wait.
She's looking.
Thank you.
Walter, it would never work.
Let's just... let's not complicate th ings.
Yes.
Yeah.
Martha, i have tony on two.
- All right. - All right.
Hey, walter?
We're still on for that humiliating defeat at air hockey tomorrow,
Aren't we?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, um, and i... i, uh...
I reorgan ized your whole rolodex th is morn ing.
My name falls under the w's.
You're the most excellent dude.
�♪♪
- I almost wore that. - Really?
Nope.
My ph ilosophy is,
People are always gonna need a place to live.
We just have to give 'em a reason to buy.
That's...that's very interesting.
I've always been able to sell.
Alw ays.
Why, i could even sell an oven to an eskimo.
Do you mean a refrigerator?
Why would they need a refrigerator?
It was wonderful meeting you, martha.
Yeah, it was great.
Mmm, you smell so good, so clean.
Oh, well, i showered yesterday.
Really?
Must be good, strong soap.
Uh, can i french-Kiss you?
N ight.
� well, there's many ways a girl will run ♪
� when out there huntin' guys ♪
� she may wh ile it with the wicked ♪
� hang out with the wise ♪
� debit for the dollar ♪
� make her mission understood ♪
� me, i set my sights on the man who kisses good ♪
� say, he don't need to be witty ♪
� he don't need to be kind ♪
� just gotta know those places that are so hard to find ♪
� and don't have to be pretty ♪
� though sometimes that's good ♪
� just gotta know where to go ♪
� right when he should ♪♪
�♪♪
What, 7:25?
Okay. Thanks.
Hello.
Hello there.
Th ink i forgot you?
No way.
Oh, my god!
No.
Where is it?
There's the...oh.
�♪♪
� hear that lonesome wh ippoorwill ♪
� he sounds too blue to fly ♪
� the midn ight train ♪
� is wh in in' low ♪
Did you just play th is song?
� i'm so lonesome i could cry ♪
- Looks that way. - Really?
� i've never seen ♪
� the n ight so long ♪
Yeah. Really.
� and time is crawlin' by ♪
Wow.
� the moon just waits... ♪
"Wow"?
I was just gonna play th is song.
I dropped my quarter. I was lookin' for my quarter.
I love th is song.
It's kinda funny.
Not the song.
The song isn't funny.
The song is sort of a bummer
In a cathartic, sexy, romantic type of way,
If you know what i mean.
I don't believe i have a clue.
Are you lonesome?
� the silence of ♪
No.
� a falling star ♪
� lights up a purple sky ♪
� and as i wonder ♪
� where you are ♪
� i'm so lonesome ♪
� i could cry ♪
� and as i wonder ♪
� where you are ♪
� i'm so lonesome ♪
� i could cry ♪♪
Hey, why don't we go and have some coffee
And moo goo gai pan?
I don't even know you.
I'm wh itman.
Th is is so funny.
I mean, i never do anyth ing like th is.
I'm...i'm kinda shy, actually, so it's, um...
It's hard for me to feel at ease with people right away.
Well, you're probably not like those people.
You're different.
Isn't it strange?
I feel like i already know you, and i don't even know what you do.
Oh, uh i'm an investor.
Like a banker?
Um, no, just an independent investor.
I write a little also.
Do you? What?
Poetry.
How wonderful. Have you been published?
Well, yeah, uh...
I have a book.
Wow.
I'm sayin' that a lot ton ight.
Yeah. Well, uh,
I could show it to you sometime, if you like.
I would love to see it sometime.
Great.
Oh. Hey. Look at th is.
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
It is.
What?
I'm...i just...i can't believe any of th is.
Uh...
Uh, sometimes you have to just trust what you can't believe.
After all, life is a synchron icity of chance.
Uh...
I, um...
I just wanna say, uh, that i'm not...
I-I'm not looking to get into anyth ing serious,
And i don't know if that's what...i'm just...i just...
I just can't.
I'm not into, um...
I'm very busy, and, um...
What the hell am i saying?
�♪♪
I th ink i'm gonna faint.
I'll catch ya.
What?
Well, i don't know.
It just made me th ink of th is.
You can tell me.
When i was a little girl... i was about six years old...
I was at home and my parents were downstairs and, uh,
I look in the window and there's a clown.
- A clown? - Yeah.
He was totally happy and smiling and waving at me,
And i thought he was a special friend that god had sent to me.
I found out later that the people next door
Had h ired h im for their son's birthday
And he got the wrong house.
I know it sounds stupid, but it meant a lot to me.
It was just so...
So happy and unexpected.
And happy and unexpected doesn't happen that often, ya know?
Uh-Huh.
Hey, i know.
? Look what you've done for me?
� oh, boy, it's poetry ♪
� when i see the wind ♪
� in your hair ♪♪
�♪♪
These eight-Seed bagels are good.
Did you get 'em for valentine's day?
Uh, no.
What did you two do for valentine's day?
Uh, we had ham.
I had kind of an interesting valentine's day.
Just a date.
Oh, uh, isn't that n ice?
What's h is name?
Wh itman crawford.
Oh, uh, do you th ink you'll be seeing h im again?
- Later today. - Really?
Yeah. He has a surprise planned for me.
He's...he's like that.
What's he do?
He's a poet.
And a very, very successful investor.
Oh.
- When do we get to see h im? - When do we get to meet h im?
Mom, dad, th is is brand-New. I just met the guy.
Don't be blowin' th ings out of proportion.
He's brilliant. He's handsome.
He's sensitive. He's passionate.
He's funny. He's incredibly sexy.
- Did you? - Yeah.
- Did you? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Oh!
God, i didn't even react that big.
Yeah.
That is so...all right.
Calm down. They're gonna hear.
Well, there's only been one serious relationsh ip.
Uh, her name's inga.
- Inga? - Yeah.
It didn't work out.
How 'bout you?
No, noth ing serious.
Why not?
I don't know.
I spent a lot of time playing games
And dating other people who played games.
Honesty is better, isn't it?
Yes.
When you're not serious, you should say so.
Uh-Huh.
And when you are, you should say so.
Yep.
� so now there's somebody new ♪
� these dreams i've been dreaming ♪
Oh, let's do everyth ing together.
Oh, yeah.
� you say i'll be fine ♪
� it only takes time ♪
� somewhere ♪
� that may be true ♪
� but it's too soon ♪
� to tell ♪
� ah, it's too soon ♪
Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
� to say ♪
I would love to.
It's a little late to be modest, isn't it?
Well, people who live in glass houses better wear shorts.
Isn't that a saying or someth ing?
� too soon to tell ♪
� ooh ♪
� too soon to tell ♪♪
"The three-Fingered dawn creeping slowly over the h ills
"And the footh ills of one's cerebellum
"Bleeds profusely for the loss
"Of all one believes in.
"Souls unlit by flame,
"Untouched by passion and unknown by others,
"Transported from one place
"To another...
"Places with in
"And without,
"Places we're afraid to cry about yet
"Gladly call home like e.T.
"Still, though,
"The sh ip courses on,
"Through the blood-Red,
"Three-Fingered waters,
"Headed homeward
"Like a tired sailor,
"Headed homeward,
"Homeward
Towards love."
That...
That was beautiful.
Wh itman, that...thank you.
Beautiful.
Really, really beautiful.
Thank you.
Aw, geez,
It's...it's beautiful.
�♪♪
Ah.
Hello.
St ay aw ay from my man, you hear?
Who is th is?
My man, you bug!
You try to take h im from me and i'll mess your butt up bad!
I th ink you have the wrong...
Number? No, i don't th ink so.
Listen, missy, th is is inga, and you stay away from wh it.
Uh, consider th is a warn ing, okay?
You got that? Bye!
- H i. - H i.
Ooh, i'll sign for those.
Hey. I got your car detailed.
They didn't have new car smell, so i got pina colada.
Oh, it's always good to have your car smelling like
An alcoholic beverage, isn't it?
And, hey, do you want to come over after work ton ight?
They're doing a "worst of richard burton"
Film festival over at san diego state.
We could see bluebeard with joey heatherton.
Knock, knock, knock. Look what came for you
From 1-800-Flowers.
Wow.
Wow is...
Ooh.
What's that i hear? Some wedding bells?
Yes?
I th ink that's a little premature, missy.
Could you get that phone?
I'll get the phone now.
H i. Ms. Alston's office.
Um, uh, the lunch order.
- Tuna on rye? - Tuna on rye.
Okay.
Yeah, those are n ice flowers.
H i, martha.
I got some really important...
Holy sh it!
Look, there must be at least, what, five dozen roses here?
Yeah.
Martha. Martha.
Th is guy is a keeper.
Ah, yeah.
So i guess th is is all over the office, huh?
Oh, yeah. I told everybody.
You know what?
Sometimes...not very often,
But every once in a wh ile, we do actually get what we want.
After all, life is a synchron icity of chance, right?
Yeah, whatever. Can i see the card, please?
Hmm?
Jane, with boyfriends that you've had,
Have you had trouble with ex-Girlfriends being jealous?
And they would be jealous of what, marth?
Martha, you are just so lucky.
- Oh. - Oh.
There he is.
There's wh itman.
Oh, look. He's getting the door for her.
Oh.
Oh, he's so thoughtful.
H i.
Hey, you two.
Hello, dear.
Th is is wh itman.
Th is is my mother and my sister ann ie.
How do you do, wh itman?
How do you do?
Great to meet you.
I, uh, brought a little gazpacho.
Gazpacho?
Well, thank you, wh itman, very much.
Uh, come in, please.
Just come in.
� so good ♪
� so good ♪♪
- He's cute. - Thanks.
Here it goes.
Oh, my.
Th irty-Five years.
I don't know how anyone makes it that long.
- Well, i was only 16 when we married. - I tell you, wh it,
I th ink that's probably the best damn gazpacho i've ever had ever tasted.
Oh, russ, no, come on. But it is an old family recipe.
Really?
You want it, don't you?
I'll slip it to ya if you have to have it.
Buy low, sell h igh?
You aren't gonna go wrong doin' that, i don't th ink.
Thank you, dear.
That was lovely.
� ooh, yeah ♪♪
You were incredible today, wh itman.
Did you enjoy yourself?
Yeah. It was okay.
Your parents are pleasant, very wholesome
And funny in a special way.
I wasn't really being myself, but that's okay.
You know how you always have to present yourself
In front of people you don't know or you try to make 'em feel good,
But is that good for you?
Is that good for your soul?
I don't know. What do you th ink?
Well, i want you to be yourself.
Really?
Just be myself.
Just forever and ever?
Just...that is great.
That's why it's great to be with somebody like you,
Somebody i can...i can be myself with.
That's so great.
Whoo!
I feel free.
I feel really free.
Hey, you wanna do someth in' fun? Let's do someth in' fun, all right?
- Well... - Come on.
It'll be fun.
�♪♪
Aieee!
Cha cha cha!
Wh itman, what are you doing?
Mmm, just havin' fun.
- Wh itman, no. Don't. - Hmm?
Yeah.
Come on. Th is will be very fun.
No, it won't be fun. Th is is not fun to me.
- Oh, really? - No.
Stolen beers taste better.
I...wh itman, i don't want to steal beer.
Yes, you do.
Oh. Thanks.
And once again, it comes down to pastries.
Ding-Dong'll be all for ya?
It looks like it's it, homes.
- You all right? - Yeah.
I...yeah. Just a little tummy ache.
Do you have any, uh, antacid or anyth ing like that
For a stomach ache?
- No, we're out of antacid.
Come to th ink of it, a disposable camera is a got-To-Have item.
I've got to have one.
You know what i'm talkin' about.
- Here ya go. - All right.
Well, why don't you just keep the change
And we'll catch ya on the rebound, homey?
Thanks again.
You stealin' from me, you sh it?
I gotcha!
Come on there. Come on.
All right!
And smile!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Hey! Hey!
Weeee-Hoo!
He was serious.
He almost took a little chunk outta you, didn't he?
That was fun.
Wh itman, that wasn't fun!
Yes, it was fun.
Come on. Wasn't that fun?
No, it wasn't fun, wh itman!
Take a taste of th is stolen beer.
No!
Oh, you'll like it.
Come on. Take a taste.
You don't want any?
No, i don't.
All right. All right.
The beer's gone.
See th is?
Good-Bye, stolen beer.
Good beer.
Check th is out.
- Aah! - Whoo!
Wh itman!
He shoots! He scores!
Wh itman, you h it that old man!
What can i say? I'm in the zone.
I am going to love you ton ight 'til you're drenched in sweat, baby.
Aw.
Lou ie anderson, everybody.
Oh, oh, okay. All right.
What are you talking about?
Th is guy sounds great.
I mean, he's smart, he's handsome, he's successful.
But he threw a can of beer at an old man.
Okay, so you're gonna break up with a guy because he threw
A can of beer at an old man?
Why did he throw a can of beer at an old man?
I don't know. That's what i'm saying.
He loves '70s bands.
He loves r.E.O. Speedwagon, boston.
Martha, the guy i'm going out with loves monster trucks.
All right, no, he th inks sizzler is a fine french restaurant.
Martha, he calls my breasts "bazoongas."
All men are horrible in their own way.
You just have to learn to accept that.
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
I mean, maybe he's just trying too hard.
There you go. Tomorrow will be better.
Yeah.
Yeah, he says he has a special surprise planned for me.
�♪♪
Hello, darling.
- H i. - H i.
What happened to your other car?
Oh. Yeah. Th is is just a little more me.
Here we go.
Hello, mother.
Hello, dear.
Mmm.
And th is must be martha.
H i.
Yes.
Let me look at you. Turn around.
Mmm.
Ah-Ha. Good birth ing h ips.
Mmm.
And an adequate bosom.
Thank you.
Now, uh, later, uh, we'll play charades.
Mother, when we start to play, i was th inking that martha and i
Could be a team
And you and consuela can play together.
How about that?
How about cheers?
It's a little easy, don't you th ink?
Mother is qu ite old, martha.
Let's give her a break.
"Cheers."
Throw in a tough one.
"Big."
Here we go.
Book.
Two words.
Great gatsby.
No.
Ah, the first word.
Vavoom.
Uh, martha.
You.
You...uh, no.
Uh...
Th ink we should go to the next word.
Second word sounds like...
Ovary.
Huh.
Ovary, dovary, fovary, hovary, uh...
Okay, yovary.
Z-Ovary.
Ze ovary.
Z...french word for ovary.
Time's up!
What was it?
Madame bovary.
See?
We almost had that.
The french, you know?
I thought it had someth ing to do with the frogs.
That's all right.
We're gonna do better next time.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Good-Bye, dear.
Mm-Hmm.
Mmm.
Come home.
Mmm.
Mmm, all right, mom.
Mmm.
Martha, it was a pleasure meeting you.
- Well, thank you for having me. - You'll make a lovely bride.
And i'm sure you'll give my son a big bone-Fest
Of a honeymoon.
Mother.
You may kiss me good-Bye.
� love isn't always on time ♪
� hold the line ♪
� love isn't always on time ♪
� love isn't always love isn't always ♪
� on time ♪
� hold the line ♪
Come on.
You can get in on the next chorus.
- Wh itman? - What?
Can we stop for coffee?
I th ink we need to talk.
� love isn't always on time ♪♪
You aren't still upset about losin' at charades, are you?
No.
She's a killer.
Yeah.
- She's good. - Someth in' else?
Um, yeah. Wh itman,
You are...
You're an incredible person.
I mean, you're really someth in' else, you know?
Um, and i've...i've really mostly enjoyed
The time that we've spent together.
But sometimes it's about chemistry, you know?
And...and sometimes chemistry works and sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes you get a... get an explosion
Or...or a really bad smell.
You know what i mean?
It's not good.
Okay.
You know how, um, you feel about inga?
You know how, you know, how she still loves you
But you don't love her?
How you used to love her but... but you don't love her anymore?
How...how...okay, look.
Here's good.
Th is is good.
I am salt and you are pepper, all right?
Okay?
Now, salt and pepper goes together, right?
Sometimes, you know?
But some...it doesn't have to.
You don't have to have pepper with salt.
Sometimes salt goes alone.
Sometimes salt goes with other herbs, even.
And i'm...i'm saying that i wanna see other herbs.
Martha...
I understand what you're saying. And don't worry.
I'm not gonna let your fear of intimacy destroy th is.
I'm not.
You know, i won't do what those others did.
I'm not gonna walk out on you.
I won't desert you and the kids.
I swear that, all right?
Wh itman.
- Okay. - Know that.
Live with that.
Wh itman, we're not gonna have ch ildren.
Jump off a cliff with me.
Take my hand and jump off a cliff with me.
I don't wanna jump off a cliff.
Yeah. Yeah.
I wanna prove someth ing to you.
Oh, please don't.
How much do you th ink i love you?
I don't know.
Enough to...to break my own finger?
Oh, god.
I mean, do ya?
I mean, do you th ink that i love you enough to break my own finger?
I don't know, and i don't care.
- I mean, tell me. - It's hard to say.
Okay, fine. I do.
I can. I will.
Oh, no, don't. Don't do it.
Don't...
Ah.
Oh, my god.
Hoo!
That's love.
Martha, i love you!
I'm gonna call you tomorrow.
Goin' too fast, i guess.
She'll sleep on it.
I'll try tomorrow.
You h ideous cur.
Who the hell are you?
Does the name inga mean anyth ing to you?
Oh. H i. How are you?
Uh, h i, i'm bob.
Here we go now.
Upsy-Daisy.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hay is for horses, missy.
I love th is woman, and you're hurting her.
Stop seeing wh it!
You got that?
Okay. Fine.
Okay, you can go now.
Okay, fine, i can go now?
I don't th ink so!
Cut the couch, bob.
Don't...don't cut the couch.
Hey! Hey!
Hay is for horses, fish tank!
Want us to break up your shower too?
Huh, do ya?
No.
Then shut up and sit down!
What did you do together, huh?
Did you make it?
Look, you can have wh itman, okay? I don't want h im.
He's all yours, i swear.
Oh, like suddenly you're gonna blow h im off.
Drop the palaver, princess.
All women want wh it.
I know that.
You want some gum in your hair?
- No, i don't. - Oh, okay.
Now, consider th is your last warn ing.
Next time, expect agony.
Come on, bob.
Sorry about that couch.
Um, we grabbed a couple of snapples from the fridge.
I hope that's okay.
Bob!
Bob, what were you doing in there?
- Oh, i was just bein' n ice. - Well, don't you dare!
Well, th is sure sucks.
�♪♪
� th is th ing called love ♪
� i just can't handle it ♪
� th is th ing called love ♪
� i must get 'round to it ♪
� i ain't ready ♪
� crazy little th ing called love ♪
� th is th ing called love ♪
� i cry like a baby ♪
� in my cradle all n ight ♪
� it stings ♪
� it jabs ♪
� shakes all over like a trembling fist ♪
� i kinda like it ♪
� crazy little th ing called love ♪
� there goes my baby ♪
� she knows how to rock 'n' roll ♪
� she drives me crazy ♪
� she gives me hot and cold fever ♪
Hey, walter.
That one's due at 5:00 or 6:00 tomorrow morn ing.
Hey, walter. What's up?
Hey.
Um, the schedule for today's show.
Thanks.
And i'm goin' on a doughnut run for dick.
You want anyth ing?
Oh, my god.
Martha, it's okay.
The ch icken!
I forgot to book the ch icken, the san diego ch icken!
Martha. It's all right.
It's not all right! It's a disaster!
He's a legend in th is town!
How could i forget the san diego ch icken?
Now i'm gonna have to book the monkeys.
You know how much dick hates the monkeys.
Martha, the ch icken is booked. I took care of it.
I told them i was your assistant. Dick will never know.
Oh. Thanks, walter. You're the best.
Right.
You've got some faxes.
I'll get you a doughnut.
� yeah ♪
� i've gotta be cool ♪
� relax ♪
Ahh.
� get h ip get on my tracks ♪
� take a back seat h itchh ike ♪
� umm, umm ♪
� take a long ride on my motorbike ♪
� oooh ♪
� until i'm ready ♪
� ready, freddie ♪
� crazy little th ing called love ♪
� th is th ing called love ♪
� i must get 'round to it ♪
� i ain't ready ♪
� crazy little th ing called love ♪♪
Hello.
It's mom, dear.
Oh. H i, mom.
Honey, could you possibly house-Sit just for ton ight?
- Ton ight? - Yes.
We're going up to your aunt peggy's.
Mom, you have great timing. I'd love to house-Sit.
�♪♪
Aah!
H i.
Wh itman.
Can i...can i come in?
I'd like to come in.
- No, you can't. - Yes, i can.
No, you can't.
Yes, i can.
- No, you can't. - Yes, i can.
Wanna know why?
No, you can't.
I'm a special friend from god. Remember?
Ha.
Oh!
Wh itman, you are really freaking me out here!
Isn't th is happy?
Isn't th is unexpected?
Wh itman, listen to me.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, you haven't seen my love dance.
� um, a dinga-Dinga dinga dinga-Dinga-Dinga ♪
� dinga-Dinga-Dinga-Dinga dinga-Dinga-Dinga-Dinga ♪
� dinga-Dinga-Dinga-Ding ticka-Ticka-Ticka-Ticka ♪
� ticka-Ticka-Ticka-Tick ♪
I th ink i'm gonna go home now.
Did he do anyth ing to you?
Assault you in any way?
No, but i mean, he dressed like a clown.
Do you know how scary that is?
He's got an ex-Girlfriend, a crazy ex-Girlfriend, inga,
Who's, who's harassing me and, and bob, her sidekick, a huge guy, bob.
Inga...check your clipboard.
Inga and bob. Anyth ing for them?
We'll file a report, ma'am.
Good n ight, ma'am.
They...she stuck gum in my hair!
�♪♪
From what you've told me, ms. Alston,
Th is guy is just your garden-Variety compulsive type.
Pooh.
I've seen a million of 'em,
But i'll check h im out,
See if there's anyth ing in h is background
That you should be alarmed about.
Great.
Mm, uh, in the meantime...
In the meantime, just live your life.
Try not to worry so much.
Thanks, mr. Tramonte.
So i'm really sorry th ings didn't work out with wh itman.
Well, you win some, you lose some.
Yeah. I'm really sorry about that. Really sorry.
You sound so genu ine. Thank you for your concern.
- That's what friends are for. - Aren't they?
- Damn shame. - Okay.
That's enough of that, okay?
You know, i checked out th is opera we're about to see.
- Mm-Hmm? - Mm-Hmm.
Turns out it's the touch ing story of a young servant
Who goes through all these changes over th is older, rich master guy's
Would-Be girlfriend,
But the young guy ends up with her in the end, oddly enough.
Hmm.
So it turns out that the whole th ing
Could've been avoided if she just...
Not that th is resembles your life in any way.
Sure.
Then we wouldn't be here, would we?
There would be no opera, so it's good that...
Who wouldn't...shh.
That's enough. It's starting.
You look terrific.
�♪♪
Th is is even better than that padres game we went to.
Thanks for not bringing that beach ball.
That would've been embarrassing.
Excuse me.
Oh, i saw a souven ir stand up there.
Thought maybe we could get some t-Sh irts.
You be all right here?
Yeah. I'll be fine. I'll see you in a minute.
Martha. Hey. Hey.
Excuse me.
God, no. Please.
No.
Martha, hey.
H i.
Martha? Hey, martha.
Oh-Ho.
You won. Okay.
You wanted to make me jealous, and you have, all right?
So let's just go now, all right?
Wh itman, no. No. I wasn't kidding.
I said i don't wanna see you anymore.
I don't wanna see you anymore. Is that clear?
Loud and clear.
Okay, okay.
You want me to listen to you more,
To hear you more and stop th inking only of myself.
So come on. Let's go.
I'm not talking to you anymore, okay?
Come...come here.
Martha, don't walk away from me.
Don't walk away, martha.
Martha!
Is th is gentleman bothering you?
Excuse me?
I'm her soul mate.
I'm her lover.
- Oh, my god. - There.
That one.
Don't try to understand what your mind is too small to contemplate,
Okay, mr. Really n ice su it?
Lover. Get it?
Lo-Ver.
I've made love to her, mr. Really n ice su it.
Fft-Fft-Fft.
And, uh, it was beautiful.
It was...come with me, sir.
Uh, okay. Yeah.
Let's go.
He gets a monthly check from a trust fund,
A very large trust fund...
50,000-Bucks-A-Month large.
Hmm.
Uh, he lived with h is mother until six months ago.
He's had one serious relationsh ip with inga gunther,
And th is inga once tried to assassinate
The rock temptress stevie n icks.
Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.
- Oh, god. - What's wrong?
Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.
Hey. Hey. Take it easy.
"Oh, god. Oh, god."
- Hey. - God.
Take it easy, will ya? Come on. Sit down. Sit down.
You gotta help me. You gotta get h im out of my life.
Do someth ing. I don't care what it is.
You can just... just name your price.
Just do whatever it takes.
No.
Ah.
Ah!
Eekee.
Now, th is kind of action that you're talking now,
Th is is gonna cost you big time.
What action?
Bumped. Rubbed. Smoked. Iced.
- The big monkey. - No!
I...no, i-I don't...
I don't want you to kill h im.
No. I didn't say that.
I said...i mean, i just want you to talk to h im.
Can you talk to h im?
Oh. Sure. Talk to h im.
Sure.
Uh, you know, that doesn't mean to break h is spinal cord, okay?
That means i just...i really just want you to talk to h im,
Make h im stop bothering me.
Just...can you do that?
Hey. I can do anyth ing.
Th is guy is not gonna bother you anymore.
�♪♪
Theresa?
Where's the zoo guy?
Come on. Please hurry. We have a situation here.
All right, i will show... everyone, calm.
Look...
Martha!
Monkey!
Up!
Oh, my god. The monkeys.
Martha!
Who were the scheduled guests on today's show, martha?
Linda evans, shari lewis and that bodybu ilder,
Mr. Bikin i beach san diego.
Why?
What's going on?
"Telegram, miss linda evans.
In the interest of our viewers, please stay home.
Stop.
Signed, martha alston."
"Telegram to shari lewis.
Stop.
I like my lamb chops raw.
Stop.
Signed, martha alston."
"Telegram, mr. Bikin i beach san diego."
Well, i don't have to fin ish that.
Why? What does it say?
You don't know.
No, i don't know what it says.
Tell me what it says, dick.
"Mr. Bikin i beach san diego.
Stop.
Blow me, muscle man.
Signed, martha alston."
"Blow me, muscle man"?
I didn't send those telegrams.
Dick, you know i didn't send those telegrams, right?
Now, look, martha.
We know that people have been covering for you, okay?
I talked to the ch icken, okay?
But these, these...too much.
No!
I didn't send those telegrams!
I di...wh itman crawford sent those telegrams!
Jane, tell h im about wh itman!
Oh, wh itman is the guy that she loves.
No! I don't love h im!
He's...he's trying to ru in my life!
Walter! You were at the opera.
Tell h im what happened at the opera.
She fainted.
Aah! No. He's insane!
He's ru in ing my life!
He sends me gifts every day.
He sent me a football.
He...h is butt got bigger.
Martha, we can't have any of th is.
I need someone who can handle th is job.
Dick.
Now, maybe...maybe it's because of th is new guy...
Dick, listen to me.
That you've been seeing has been causing th is, but martha,
That's not my problem.
Hosting th is show is my problem,
And i need someone who can help me to do just that.
What are you saying, dick?
I'm saying that you need to...
No, i'm saying you're going to take some time off,
A long time off, okay?
I hope you can solve your problems, martha,
But ya ain't gonna be doing it here.
�♪♪
Energy.
Dick, wait.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome
To the hosts of daybreak san diego,
Dick braxton and nancy culpepper.
�♪♪
Mom! Dad!
Oh, h i, honey.
Thanks for coming by to see us off.
What do you...what do you mean?
Can't talk now, sweetheart.
The cab was late, and the cru ise sh ip's gonna leave.
Thank wh itman for the tickets.
Mexico, here we come!
Good-Bye, honey! Bye-Bye!
- Bye! - Bye!
You can't go! I need you!
Mommy!
I'll go with 'em. I'll go to mexico too.
That's what i'll do.
I'll grab a few th ings. I'll meet 'em at the pier.
I'll stow away. I'll swim if i have to.
Crazy idiot.
Perfect.
You plann ing on going somewhere, miss alston?
You dick.
You stupid private dick dick!
What am i paying you for?
You said you'd keep h im away from me.
Well, keep h im away from me.
Do whatever you have to do.
Bump h im. Dunk h im. Ice h im.
The monkey!
The big mother-Lovin' monkey!
Ow!
Do you want my professional opin ion, miss alston?
What?
Go with h im.
My opin ion, th is is a sweet guy. He loves you very much.
Go with h im.
Tell you someth ing:
I talked to wh itman.
Okay. Stop talking.
Hey, you're not so special, sister. You're like every other dame.
You don't know what you want when you want it,
And you don't know what you got when you got it.
Uh! No.
The truth hurts, sister. Just my professional opin ion.
Okay, well, here's my professional opin ion.
- You're fired! - Ha!
You can't fire me.
I'm workin' for h im now.
- You can't do that! - Oh, yeah?
Check out these.
Come on, little lady.
No. No.
Let's go see h im.
Yeah.
Little lady, come on. We're gonna go see h im.
No. And don't call me little lady!
Ohh!
Oh!
Hey, watch out!
Oh, look at that.
She's out like a light.
Flowers for miss alston?
That's her.
I'm here, big sister. Ann ie's here.
It's all right.
Mmm.
Well, good morn ing, sunsh ine.
Oh, i've been waitin' for you to wake up.
I've been here since it happened.
Mmm.
Oh, martha, it's a miracle you weren't badly hurt.
Hmm.
Oh, honey, i th ink i understand.
You meet th is wonderful guy. Then you th ink you've lost h im.
Still, su icide?
But it's all right now. You didn't lose wh itman,
And now you never will. Never, never, never.
Now i've gotta go.
Stuart's waiting for me, just like wh itman's waiting for you.
Who's waiting?
Ohh!
Uhh...
All righty.
You take good care of her, wh itman.
Uhh...
Bye-Bye.
Bye. Bye, sis.
Uhh...
Qu iet.
Here, listen to th is.
� i wanna know what love is ♪
� i want you to show me ♪
� i wanna feel what love is ♪♪
I know you can show me.
God, you look sexy in that little hat.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
Stupid ring.
Martha! Martha!
Honey! Help!
The su icide's loose!
Somebody help!
Hey! Stop!
Hey, you need a ride, miss?
Yeah. Yeah.
Here. Hop on in.
Oh, god. Thanks.
You okay?
Go, go, go, go, go!
Martha? Honey? I'm right here.
Don't leave the love zone.
Oh, thank you so...
Uh-Oh.
Whoa!
I warned you not to get in the way of a cosmic
Kind of love, witch ie.
Rest your head.
Don't be n ice to her!
Don't you be n ice to her, bob!
- I'm sorry. - Pull her hair!
But...
Just do it!
Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Harder.
Pull it harder!
�♪♪
What are you doing, bob?
Hold her down, bob!
Get her secure!
Make those knots n ice and tight!
What are you do...why are you always putting sticky stuff on me?
Give me the ants, bob.
Ants? What ants?
Prepare to be consumed, martha alston.
Prepare to be...
Oh, god! They're dead, bob.
- They are? - Yes, bob, they are.
Didn't you feed them?
I thought that you said that you wanted them hungry.
Hungry, bob! Not dead!
Now what are we gonna do?
We could, uh...we could, uh, reschedule.
Like maybe next tuesday is good for me.
Hmm?
Dream on, little beauty!
Guess we'll just have to cut her heart out.
Are you okay with that?
No, bob!
I wanted her eaten by ants,
But th is is obviously the best we're gonna do!
Hold her down, bob!
Th ink about th is, 'cause, you know, the ant idea was good.
I kinda liked the ant idea.
Okay, we could...
Inga!
- Wh itman! - Wh itman! - Wh itman!
Put the kn ife down, inga.
No.
She's in the way, wh it! Don't ya see that?
No, inga, you're in the way. Martha and i love each other.
We don't. I don't.
We are going to bu ild a life unto each other.
If you try to get between us, i'll put you out the door.
Now, for the last time, put down the kn ife.
Never! Never! Never!
God, you're bitch in', wh it.
Ooh, save her!
Don't let h im take her!
I can't let you take her, wh itman.
Don't make me shoot you, too, bob.
Okay.
Maybe i should call aaa.
No, i'm not a car, you...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ooh-Hoo-Hoo hoo!
Th ink about someth ing else.
Not n ice!
Not n ice.
I'll get you, you tramp!
I love you.
Oh, inga's gonna be just fine.
Put me down.
No, no, no.
Last time i let you out of my sight, there was a su icide attempt.
What was th is, some kind of human sacrifice?
You need taking care of, dear.
Wh itman.
- What is th is? - Th is is an r.V., Honey.
- Whose r.V.? - Ours.
I thought we could use a family veh icle.
- For what? - For our little family.
Say hello to mama, kids.
Hola, mama.
That's little n icole, and that's cody.
Aren't they cute?
They're consuela's kids.
You remember. Mom's housekeeper.
Yeah.
Oh, god, wh itman.
Hmm.
Well, i know what you're th inkin'. I always do.
You're th inkin', "wh it,
How come we aren't having kids of our own?"
Well, they're just to prime the pump a little bit.
We're gonna begin our own family just as soon as we are married.
- Sl. - Yeah.
What?
That's right.
In six hours, you and i will be wed in los cabos, mexico,
At a beautiful little church called saint margaret of the goats.
See?
No pesky blood tests to slow us up there!
Ah, let's get on the road.
Here we go!
Okay, that's it.
Ch ildren, come with, uh, me...
Uh, poqu ito little ch ildren, um...
Nos vamos a quedar aqu i.
No, you don't understand.
No, little mother. You don't understand.
Are you kidding?
Little jokie?
El joko?
No more questions, little mother.
All right, all right. Come on.
Let's break it up.
Issues of control happen when we're tired.
Can't you see, kids, that your mother is just all worn out?
Don't be like that.
I don't know what you did to these kids,
But i am gonna find a way out and take 'em with me.
I am.
You're not gonna get away with th is.
Honey, you don't understand. Th is family is a legend in the making.
Mm-Hmm.
I mean, just look.
It was an act of fate that we even met.
Kids?
You wanna hear how your mother and i met?
Yes, dad.
I was in a bar,
And i played her favorite song.
Hmm.
By accident.
Yeah, h it the wrong button, but from that point on,
We were on each other like a couple of weasels.
Moral of that story is, accidents are the dirt
That legends grow out of.
Huh?
Come on, honey.
�♪♪
You look lovely in the clothes that i picked out for you.
I feel funny.
Do ya?
Well, i took the liberty of slipping a little relaxant
Into your water.
I thought you might be a little tense.
Now...oh, that's noth ing scary, darling,
Just a little mixture that i came up with:
A little, uh, chamomile and some, uh, l.S.D.
Okay, that would w...
That would be why i'm seeing worms on your face.
Kids! We're gettin' close!
All right, dad.
Uh...
So when i...when i was drinkin' the...the...the...the...
The tea?
You're gettin' in touch with your joy.
Oh, you're gonna get me started now.
Yeah.
Whoa!
God, it's good to have you back!
I'm gonna kill ya!
No, you're not.
Yes, i a...
No, you're not.
I'm gonna kill ya.
Whoa, well, i'll just have to love ya as a ghost,
And, uh, you could have dreadlocks like whoopi goldberg.
Did you like that?
I'm gonna be sick.
Well, in sickness and in health, dea...
No. Whoa.
Now, that's a little...
Come here.
Now, we don't really walk...
Uh, okay.
Oh, uh, kids, kids!
Mommy, where are you going?
Darling.
N icole.
Go on outside and find a lizard.
Be qu ick.
Where's mommy, n icole?
She's wash ing her hands and face.
I th ink she's having a bad trip, daddy.
Hello.
Walter.
It's martha.
Oh. Yeah.
I wanna congratulate you on your wedding, martha.
Your happiness means a lot to me.
Shut up. Listen to me.
Shut up.
Here's what i want ya to do.
I want you to get on a plane. Just get on a plane and fly fast.
Come to, uh, los cabos.
Los cabos.
Buy a gun and meet me at a church.
Wh itman said you might try someth ing like th is,
That you'd do anyth ing to sabotage your own happiness.
Goat!
Shh.
Goats.
Saint margaret of the goats.
Martha, you're gonna have to speak up. I can't hear.
You're gonna have to speak up a little.
I can't hear you very well.
It's a little noisy here.
I need you to speak up a little louder for me.
Th is is the operator.
Your time is up.
If you want to continue, please make another deposit.
Hello? Hello?
�♪♪
You look beautiful, senorita.
Thank you.
Let's go out now.
� in my life ♪
� there's been heartache and pain ♪
� i don't know ♪
� if i can face it again ♪
� can't stop now ♪
� i've traveled too far ♪
� to change th is lonely life ♪
� i want to know what love is ♪
� i want to feel what love is ♪
Oh, you look beautiful, dear.
Oh, th is is the happiest day of my life.
Ohh.
� i want to know what ♪
� love is ♪♪
Father, help me.
Bienven idos, damas y caballeros.
Ya que el novio esta ancioso...
Okay.
I get the point. It's bigger than me.
You've worn me down.
Maybe th is could work. What the hell am i saying?
I've gotta get out of here. I've gotta get out of th is.
Th is can't happen. Can it?
Wh itman, aceptas a martha como tu esposa?
I do.
Martha, aceptas tu?
Walter!
Martha!
�♪♪
Aah!
Gimme that!
Drop the gun, n icole.
Drop the gun!
N icole, drop the gu...
A water pistol.
Heads up, everybody.
She's on pharmaceuticals.
Oh, martha, on your wedding day?
Oh, put that gun down, martha.
Th is is no time for playing games.
Now, you go right up there th is minute.
Stop that tapping.
Ohh!
Honey.
Honey, it's gonna be all right.
Stay back! Don't touch me!
Hey.
I wasn't gonna tell ya, but i just bought us a big boat.
Stop talking. Stop it.
Imagine the next...
Be qu iet. Please.
Two solid years at sea.
Just you and me...
Stop talking, wh itman.
Mother and consuela.
Listen to me.
Stop talking.
Imagine the charades.
Imagine the natural ch ildbirth.
- Shut up! - Ow!
Oh, martha, my love. Ow.
I have a gun.
Wh itman, you have to listen to me. Listen to me.
I want my life back. You hear me?
I miss my life.
It was a beautiful life, and i want it back.
I want myself back.
So for the last time, wh itman, it's over, you understand?
Over.
Over, over, over!
Over! Over! Over!
Martha, are you saying it's over?
Gimme the car keys, wh itman. Gimme the keys now.
Martha, you don't need car keys.
You just need a great big hug!
Come here!
So i shot h im.
I mean, i can't believe it myself, but...
I shot h im.
I mean, what choice did i have? You know?
He ru ined my life. He kidnapped me.
He drugged me.
You can understand that, can't you?
Mm-Hmm.
Maldilta mujer malvada.
Que sl entendemos?
Claro que sl.
Sl.
Oh, we understand.
Mm-Hmm.
You shot your husband,
You snooty, h ighfalutin, go-To-Town bitch!
Asesina!
I'm taking you in.
Inside. Inside.
Ow.
Esta adentro, la asesina esa.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey!
You...no...i shot wh itman! You can't do th is.
You didn't shoot wh itman crawford.
Th ink back, pilgrim.
You were standin' in the aisle, and you had the drop on h im.
Gimme the car keys, wh itman. Gimme the keys now.
You don't need car keys.
You just need a great big hug!
Oh! Oh, no! Ohh!
How do you know all th is?
Bob told me.
Bob?
�♪♪
Hey, guys!
I been figurin' th is out, and i th ink they're gonna be watch in'
The main roads, so you'd be better off cuttin' cross-Country.
I gotta get back to inga.
She's been doin' tequ ila shots.
Probably down to the worm by now.
So long, kid. Thanks, bob.
Don't get me wrong.
I love inga, but i couldn't let you take the fall.
Of course, th is doesn't mean i won't help my baby hunt you down!
Sure.
Love's weird.
I know.
Vaya con dios, martha alston.
Adios, bob.
Gotta go, gotta go.
�♪♪
Thanks for bein' there for me when no one else was.
Okay, martha, there's a time for a hug to end, and th is is it.
Come on. We gotta get outta here.
Come on.
Sorry i could just get one horse.
Aw.
You know, they hang you for stealin' horses around here.
Are you limping?
Oh, no.
I just twisted my ankle in the church.
Come on. Get on the horse.
No, i'll walk.
Yeah, i insist. Come on.
Get on the horse.
Thank god.
Wow, th is is romantic.
Two people separated by chance finally reun ited, going off into the sunset.
It reminds me of an affair to remember with cary grant and deborah kerr.
Walter, she can't walk. She gets run over.
No, but i mean, uh...all right.
All right.
What about casablanca?
Humphrey bogart, ingrid bergman.
Walter, she leaves h im.
What about gone with the wind?
He leaves her.
Aah.
What, uh...
What movie ends with two people ridin' off in the sunset?
Don't worry about it.
It doesn't matter, walter. You know why?
Why?
Because the sun sets in the west,
And we're supposed to be heading north towards the border.
Oh, yeah.
Well, can't we just turn right when the lights go out?
- I mean, th is is kinda n ice. - Yeah, it is n ice.
Blinding, but it's n ice.
�♪♪
� well, i don't tell jokes ♪
� and i don't take notes ♪
� you been sayin' there ain't much hope ♪
� you got noth in' on me ♪
� i got friends uptown ♪
� and they don't talk down ♪
� and they been keepin' me safe and sound ♪
� we got someth in' to be ♪
� so in case you haven't noticed ♪
� i'm all right ♪
� not like i was before ♪
� th ings used to be so hopeless but not ton ight ♪
� ton ight i'm walkin' out that door ♪
� i'm not gonna cry ♪
� i'm wavin' good-Bye ♪
� and i know th is time ♪
� ya got noth in' on me ♪
� i'm not gonna cry ♪
� and i'm wavin' good-Bye ♪
� and i know th is time ♪
� you got noth in' on me ♪
� i'm not gonna cry ♪
� and i'm wavin' good-Bye ♪
� and i know th is time ♪
� you got noth in' on me ♪
� noth in' on me ♪♪
�♪♪
� too many broken hearts have fallen in the river ♪
� too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea ♪
� you lay your bets and then you pay the price ♪
� the th ings we do for love ♪
� commun ication is the problem to be answered ♪
� you've got a number and your hand is on the phone ♪
� the weather's turned and all the lines are down ♪
� the th ings we do for love ♪
� like walkin' in the rain and the snow ♪
� and there's nowhere to go ♪
� and you're feelin' like a part of you is dyin' ♪
� and you're lookin' for the answer in h is eyes ♪
� you th ink you're gonna break up ♪
� then he says he wants to make up ♪
� ooh, you had me crawlin' ♪
� on the floor ♪
� a compromise would surely help the situation ♪
� agree to disagree we've disagreed before ♪
� well, after all it's just a compromise ♪
� of the th ings we do for love ♪
� the th ings we do for love ♪
� the th ings we do for love, oh ♪
� the th ings we do for love ♪
� the th ings we do for love, oh ♪
� the th ings we do for love ♪
� the th ings we do for love, oh ♪
� the th ings we do for love ♪
� the th ings we do for love, oh ♪
� the th ings we do for love ♪♪